Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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