how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
