hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
