Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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