My friends, they love my intelligence
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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