Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
