I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
