yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
