hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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