I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
