just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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