so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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