He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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