$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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