yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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