my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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