Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
