my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
