i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
