Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
