Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
