I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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