I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i believe in u and ur pee
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
