I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
