If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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