ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
