y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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