oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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