is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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