I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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