We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize