Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
