you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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