i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
