considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
