Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
