Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize