A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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