dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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