turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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