How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize