Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
