there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
