Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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