guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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