maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you made out with another girl for some wings
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
