Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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