I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
