Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
