You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
