The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
