Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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