Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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