matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
