if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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