i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
