you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
