I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
