theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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