I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
