I think I won the penis lottery.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
