You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
