god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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